X-Ray Vixen Cassandra

For all you droolers out there take a gander at this exclusive photo I had taken for a sexy magazine, Vampy Vixen, and see me like you’ve never seen me before with their X-Ray Vixen glasses. I’ve never looked better! Who knows it just might keep what little blood you have pumping to that special ‘little place’. Ha ha!



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Oshiro Maru Review

oshiro-maru-cover-smOkay my fanatic fans, something a little different from you Countess. My evil, stingy boss requested (aka commanded) that I review his new novel. The things your Countess must endure to cash that miserly check each month. Now normally I would refuse such commands. But when he promised he would consider me for one of the roles when the film version is made how could I say no. Besides I was tired of him chasing around his sofa.

The book is called ‘Oshiro Maru’, something of an adventure horror story that I have to admit was very entertaining…and I say this, after my editor unlocked my restraints, not before.

The book is a rollicking tale about six friends who fly across the Pacific on their yearly scuba diving vacation. Of course things go very wrong when they dive on a mysterious Japanese ship from WW II. I won’t go into the details of the exciting action or what three hot women and three handsome men do on a deserted island far from home…I’m still trying to decide what character I want to play…and who will be my love interest…the name Chris Hemsworth keeps popping into my head for some reason. Not that I need a reason.

In any case, if you want to read a gripping novel, packed with suspense this is right up your alley. Adios.

  

Have You Hugged a Zombie Today?

I’m troubled by the zombiesm (is that a word yet, it should be) I’ve been seeing lately. I don’t know who started it but I suspect it’s the vegan/vegetarian crowd. Ok, they love meat, so do a lot of people but cut them some slack…hello, they’re dead. And what’s the first thing we do after waking up…that’s right breakfast. I love scrambled eggs and bacon and zombies love scrambled brains and lower intestines. Potato potatoe. I guess the real reason people love to hate zombies is they are the last acceptable villains. It used to be the only groups you could hate were Nazis and Carrot Top fans but since there are only three or four of those still around zombies are the it thing. Well I say enough of the hate. Take a moment each day and hug a zombie and if he tries to take a bite out of you buy him a happy meal.

Clash of the Titans, or Another Bad Date Night at Hometown Buffet

Clash of the TitansI’m sure you’ve seen them on the late show, Frankenstein vs. the Wolfman, Jason vs. Freddie, Alien vs. Predator, and the greatest of them all King Kong vs Godzilla. The creators promise the ultimate spectacle, the cage match to end all cage matches, but they always come up little short where it counts, something I really hate. Come on sisters you know what I’m saying. We never get a winner. It always ends with the promise of yet another sequel, when what we really want is a great, explosive, mind blowing climax…hmmm, where was I? Oh, yeah. So why do they do it? Money is probably a big reason. Why kill off a successful franchise. But the real reason is probably ego. Can you imagine the negotiations between the Friday the 13th people and the Freddie Krueger people to determine who wins at the end, what monster rules the horror roost.

It might go something like this:

Jason can’t be killed, he’s indestructible.

Oh yeah, well Freddie can invade Jason’s dreams and cut him to ribbons.

But Jason doesn’t dream.

Everyone dreams when they sleep, even Jason.

But Jason doesn’t sleep. ha ha.

Jason would kick Freddie’s ass.

No way.

Way.

It might have been more fun to sit in that script conference than watch the movies. So what’s the point of this post? Nothing. I’m just venting a little after my depressing date sitting through Clash of the Titans in faux 3D followed by dinner at Hometown Buffet. As you can guess there will not be a second date. Clash of the Titans 3D…please. But at least in this film the epic battle between Medusa and the Kraken did not end in a tie or a soon to be announced sequel. Medusa rocks! Never bet against a psycho woman on a bad snake hair day.

So while eating all you can eat shrimp my date and I argued about something other than dessert at his place or mine (ha, in his dreams and my nightmares). We had our own ideas about future clash of the monster titans. How about Jack Torrance from the Shining vs. Norman Bates in Psycho. That was mine. He came up with the alligator from Lake Placid and Jaws (the shark not the Bond villain). So what super clash of the titans can you come up with and more importantly who would win? Let the games begin.

Enough with the horror remakes and sequels already, or put me in one

Freddie vs JasonDon’t hold me to my list of films I am about to mention…it might change in the next five minutes.

12 Friday the 13ths (will they stop at 13 or fearing bad luck jump to 14?), 8 Nightmare on Elm Street films, 7 or 8 (I lost count) Halloweens, 6 Saws, 5 Texas Chain Saw Massacres, 5 Predators, 4 Aliens, 4 Psychos, 4 Exorcists,  and a vampire bat in a belfry. Now I’m sure I’m missing a lot more but you’re getting the pointy end of my pitch fork. Don’t worry I won’t twist it  in too hard.

Why does it take amateur film makers to make original films like Paranormal Activity and Blair Witch for a combined salary equal to one of my padded bras, ahm I mean imported Gucci shoes? Hey I got a great idea. How about a film called Labor Day about a psycho killer wearing a Leonard Nimoy mask painted white performing illegal exorcisms on aliens living near a secluded lake? Ok, now give me a second to register that with the WGA…I don’t want anyone stealing my one in a million movie idea. Unfortunately it is one of millions.

A hundred years ago or so there was talk of closing the patent office because everything that could be invented was. Maybe we should close down the horror film business since every movie has been done again and again and again.  The only thing that changes is the roman numeral at the end.

So why am I complaining? There are other great sources of horror entertainment…maybe you should check out original horror writers of the past like Edgar Allan Poe and H.P. Lovecraft…or for convenience sake you might want to check out the premiere issue of Macabre Magazine with two original illustrated horror stories. You knew I was going there didn’t you. Shameless sleazy promotion. Well that’s me all over – totally shameless, completely sleazy and without scruples of any kind…and you guys just love that in a countess don’t you. So turn off the DVD player and check us out…and we promise no story sequels or remakes…unless we make millions… then all bets are off.