I’m troubled by the zombiesm (is that a word yet, it should be) I’ve been seeing lately. I don’t know who started it but I suspect it’s the vegan/vegetarian crowd. Ok, they love meat, so do a lot of people but cut them some slack…hello, they’re dead. And what’s the first thing we do after waking up…that’s right breakfast. I love scrambled eggs and bacon and zombies love scrambled brains and lower intestines. Potato potatoe. I guess the real reason people love to hate zombies is they are the last acceptable villains. It used to be the only groups you could hate were Nazis and Carrot Top fans but since there are only three or four of those still around zombies are the it thing. Well I say enough of the hate. Take a moment each day and hug a zombie and if he tries to take a bite out of you buy him a happy meal.
Don’t hold me to my list of films I am about to mention…it might change in the next five minutes.
12 Friday the 13ths (will they stop at 13 or fearing bad luck jump to 14?), 8 Nightmare on Elm Street films, 7 or 8 (I lost count) Halloweens, 6 Saws, 5 Texas Chain Saw Massacres, 5 Predators, 4 Aliens, 4 Psychos, 4 Exorcists, and a vampire bat in a belfry. Now I’m sure I’m missing a lot more but you’re getting the pointy end of my pitch fork. Don’t worry I won’t twist it in too hard.
Why does it take amateur film makers to make original films like Paranormal Activity and Blair Witch for a combined salary equal to one of my padded bras, ahm I mean imported Gucci shoes? Hey I got a great idea. How about a film called Labor Day about a psycho killer wearing a Leonard Nimoy mask painted white performing illegal exorcisms on aliens living near a secluded lake? Ok, now give me a second to register that with the WGA…I don’t want anyone stealing my one in a million movie idea. Unfortunately it is one of millions.
A hundred years ago or so there was talk of closing the patent office because everything that could be invented was. Maybe we should close down the horror film business since every movie has been done again and again and again. The only thing that changes is the roman numeral at the end.
So why am I complaining? There are other great sources of horror entertainment…maybe you should check out original horror writers of the past like Edgar Allan Poe and H.P. Lovecraft…or for convenience sake you might want to check out the premiere issue of Macabre Magazine with two original illustrated horror stories. You knew I was going there didn’t you. Shameless sleazy promotion. Well that’s me all over – totally shameless, completely sleazy and without scruples of any kind…and you guys just love that in a countess don’t you. So turn off the DVD player and check us out…and we promise no story sequels or remakes…unless we make millions… then all bets are off.