You are not going to believe this but I blackmailed, I mean talked my cheap skate boss to printing up a limited number of our Premiere issue. Now when I write limited what I really mean is it is limited to how many we can get printed. LOL. But for now we have several dozen and if you are really sweet I might even sign one for you. Of course when I write ‘sweet’ I mean you send me a gift of flowers, candy or jewelry. Actually, you can keep the flowers and candy, just send the jewelry – and none of that Cubic Zirconia trash. After three husbands I can spot those fakes a mile away. Well, what are you waiting for your Countess needs some new bling!
I know what you must be thinking. Where have you been? Did you meet a rich man? Have you been ill? Did you get a better job than hosting a seedy comic book? Well the answers to those questions are no, hell no, and I wish. I also know your last question. Why no more issues of Macabre magazine? I could lie that it’s the economy or the artist escaped his chains, er, got a better offer. But management does not tell me anything. They just tell me to look hot and introduce their stories. And in keeping with that ridiculously easy chore take a gander at this exclusive photo I had taken for a sexy magazine, Vampy Vixen, and see me like you’ve never seen me before with their X-Ray Vixen glasses. I’ve never looked better!
Another year has arrived and so has Issue #4 of Macabre Magazine my demented denizens. For the miserly price of a dollar…that’s just one hundred pennies…you can be thoroughly entertained by me and moderately entertained by our sick tales. I know, I know, it used to be 99 cents but have you heard of inflation? But don’t blame me send those angry emails to my boss. I urged him to keep the magazine free for all but then he said something about maybe having to lay off some of the help, i.e. yours truly and I had a change of heart. So don’t just sit there click that buy button before I get my pink slip, and I’m not talking Victoria Secret my little angels. Ciao.
I’m troubled by the zombiesm (is that a word yet, it should be) I’ve been seeing lately. I don’t know who started it but I suspect it’s the vegan/vegetarian crowd. Ok, they love meat, so do a lot of people but cut them some slack…hello, they’re dead. And what’s the first thing we do after waking up…that’s right breakfast. I love scrambled eggs and bacon and zombies love scrambled brains and lower intestines. Potato potatoe. I guess the real reason people love to hate zombies is they are the last acceptable villains. It used to be the only groups you could hate were Nazis and Carrot Top fans but since there are only three or four of those still around zombies are the it thing. Well I say enough of the hate. Take a moment each day and hug a zombie and if he tries to take a bite out of you buy him a happy meal.
Well I hope you are all getting more treats than tricks this Halloween. But before you gorge on all that chocolate you might want to check out our 3rd issue of Macabre Magazine. People keeping driving a stake through our hearts but we keep getting it up…I mean our magazine of course. We have 3 odd tales to amuse you; and as you can see yours truly disgraces the cover along with an old decrepit fiend of mine who has taken dieting to a whole other level. On the plus side he has no problem getting through airport security. I on the other hand get pulled aside every fright for a thorough strip and search. I don’t mind the stripping part but searching part can get quite uncomfortable…I hate cold hands. Well, enjoy my fiends.
Now I’m sure you’re all getting ready for Halloween weekend…right? Well, to get you in the mood I’ve gone and something naughty, something you all love. I talked the editor of our horrific little enterprise into making our premeire issue free for one and all. After all Free is better than cheap and easy and I ought to know, right? So you can put away those 99 pennies you’ve saved and click here. And after you finish reading it and come out from under your bed post a comment here or send me an email. Or maybe if you are feeling really adventurous you can check out Issue #2…with three scary tales this time…so let’s get this party started.
Well, here it is my loyal acolytes, Issue #2 of Macabre Magazine has risen from the grave to bring a little scare into your humdrum lives. This month our hard working artists have three illustrated tales to amuse you. Of course your Countess will hold your shaking hand from beginning to end…and all I will require is the modest sum of 99 cents. A little too cheap if you ask me but that’s just my opinion. We start off with a exciting tale right out of WWII, ‘Sweet Lily’s Final Mission.’ Following that we have an electrifying tale, ‘Shock Treatment’ and you will be shocked my devious darlings. And then to finish off Issue #2 we have a sordid tale called ‘VooDoo You Do.’ It’s my favorite of the three and when you read it you’ll know why. So let’s get this party started…and don’t forget to keep those emails coming in. See you in the next life.
I’m sure you’ve seen them on the late show, Frankenstein vs. the Wolfman, Jason vs. Freddie, Alien vs. Predator, and the greatest of them all King Kong vs Godzilla. The creators promise the ultimate spectacle, the cage match to end all cage matches, but they always come up little short where it counts, something I really hate. Come on sisters you know what I’m saying. We never get a winner. It always ends with the promise of yet another sequel, when what we really want is a great, explosive, mind blowing climax…hmmm, where was I? Oh, yeah. So why do they do it? Money is probably a big reason. Why kill off a successful franchise. But the real reason is probably ego. Can you imagine the negotiations between the Friday the 13th people and the Freddie Krueger people to determine who wins at the end, what monster rules the horror roost.
It might go something like this:
Jason can’t be killed, he’s indestructible.
Oh yeah, well Freddie can invade Jason’s dreams and cut him to ribbons.
But Jason doesn’t dream.
Everyone dreams when they sleep, even Jason.
But Jason doesn’t sleep. ha ha.
Jason would kick Freddie’s ass.
It might have been more fun to sit in that script conference than watch the movies. So what’s the point of this post? Nothing. I’m just venting a little after my depressing date sitting through Clash of the Titans in faux 3D followed by dinner at Hometown Buffet. As you can guess there will not be a second date. Clash of the Titans 3D…please. But at least in this film the epic battle between Medusa and the Kraken did not end in a tie or a soon to be announced sequel. Medusa rocks! Never bet against a psycho woman on a bad snake hair day.
So while eating all you can eat shrimp my date and I argued about something other than dessert at his place or mine (ha, in his dreams and my nightmares). We had our own ideas about future clash of the monster titans. How about Jack Torrance from the Shining vs. Norman Bates in Psycho. That was mine. He came up with the alligator from Lake Placid and Jaws (the shark not the Bond villain). So what super clash of the titans can you come up with and more importantly who would win? Let the games begin.
Don’t hold me to my list of films I am about to mention…it might change in the next five minutes.
12 Friday the 13ths (will they stop at 13 or fearing bad luck jump to 14?), 8 Nightmare on Elm Street films, 7 or 8 (I lost count) Halloweens, 6 Saws, 5 Texas Chain Saw Massacres, 5 Predators, 4 Aliens, 4 Psychos, 4 Exorcists, and a vampire bat in a belfry. Now I’m sure I’m missing a lot more but you’re getting the pointy end of my pitch fork. Don’t worry I won’t twist it in too hard.
Why does it take amateur film makers to make original films like Paranormal Activity and Blair Witch for a combined salary equal to one of my padded bras, ahm I mean imported Gucci shoes? Hey I got a great idea. How about a film called Labor Day about a psycho killer wearing a Leonard Nimoy mask painted white performing illegal exorcisms on aliens living near a secluded lake? Ok, now give me a second to register that with the WGA…I don’t want anyone stealing my one in a million movie idea. Unfortunately it is one of millions.
A hundred years ago or so there was talk of closing the patent office because everything that could be invented was. Maybe we should close down the horror film business since every movie has been done again and again and again. The only thing that changes is the roman numeral at the end.
So why am I complaining? There are other great sources of horror entertainment…maybe you should check out original horror writers of the past like Edgar Allan Poe and H.P. Lovecraft…or for convenience sake you might want to check out the premiere issue of Macabre Magazine with two original illustrated horror stories. You knew I was going there didn’t you. Shameless sleazy promotion. Well that’s me all over - totally shameless, completely sleazy and without scruples of any kind…and you guys just love that in a countess don’t you. So turn off the DVD player and check us out…and we promise no story sequels or remakes…unless we make millions… then all bets are off.
The first issue of our sick little enterprise is now available for the miserly sum of .99 cents…that’s less than a buck for you horny little devils.
It makes me feel so cheap and easy to give away something so valuable for such a pittance. But what can I say…cheap comes easy to me.
Now don’t believe those nasty rumors that your hair will turn white after reading the shocking story of Harold Pepper…certain body parts might fall off, yes…but your hair will be unaffected.
So check me out, I mean our first issue, and when you recover drop me an email. Who knows I might even rock your world and reply…if the comments and jewelry gift are worthy of your Cassandra.